For many years I've listened to what others believe, and never had come to any real deep convictions about what I personally thought and believed. In fact, I was trapped in the land of "What will other people think" for much of my life. That kept me trom reaching outside of the "norm" and also kept me from thinking deeply about anything or saying anything about what was inside me. I was too concerned about being accepted. And yet, even with that, I never felt accepted. for much of my life I've felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, wanting to be accepted, but never feeling accepted. However, over the last 20 plus years I have went through some intense trials and had to rethink much of what I thought that I believed.
In a large sense, I really don't care if there is a god, or a God, or not. It is what it is. Either there is a god/God or there isn't. Whatever I think or believe about it isn't going to change that reality. "What reality?" you ask. The reality of if there is or isn't a God.
Rather than get entangled with arguments for or against the concept of each person idea of god/God, I think it is much more important how we treat one another and how we live our lives. Any view of god/God that is worth anything is going to want us to treat one another with love, honor, and respect.
For most of my life I have been extremely averse to the whole idea of accountability. To me, it had the feel of someone standing over my should and watching everything that I do, waiting for me to do anything wrong, then to jump on me. I have avoided any groups that talked being accountable. It had the feeling of someone else trying to control me.
For a long time I have been wanting people to know who I was, what I thought about, and what I believed, and to fully accept me within that context. I've wanted people in my life to really listen to me, want to deeply know me, and to fully accept me for who I am. I have wanted to be validated by other people. I've wanted that from one of my relatives for a long time. In fact, that would be great if I received that from most of my close family. However, that hasn't happened. I remember part of what my counselor told me, that of not traumatizing other people by what I would say or do.