For most of my life I have been extremely averse to the whole idea of accountability. To me, it had the feel of someone standing over my should and watching everything that I do, waiting for me to do anything wrong, then to jump on me. I have avoided any groups that talked being accountable. It had the feeling of someone else trying to control me.
For a long time I have been wanting people to know who I was, what I thought about, and what I believed, and to fully accept me within that context. I've wanted people in my life to really listen to me, want to deeply know me, and to fully accept me for who I am. I have wanted to be validated by other people. I've wanted that from one of my relatives for a long time. In fact, that would be great if I received that from most of my close family. However, that hasn't happened. I remember part of what my counselor told me, that of not traumatizing other people by what I would say or do.
As I look around me, my house is a mess, my workshop is a mess, the yard is a mess. In the past I have cleaned up this or that, only to have it become a mess again in a very short time. Each time I did the cleaning, I didn't change anything about be, or how I have related to the environment and my surroundings. I've heard it said that the first thing to change is to admit that there is a problem. More than that is to admit my part of the problem. For much of my life I've been a messer-upper. I have not contributed to improving myself or my surroundings in a consistant ongoing manner.