7 Jan 2013

Loving Your Wife, with and without sex

Submitted by Stephen Winters
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Part of being a man is loving your wife no matter how she is feeling, no matter if she is grouchy, no matter if you get sex when you want it or not. This is learning to love in a very true sense with genuine love. When she says "no" it is so easy to feel hurt and to even feel bitter. But as a husband one must continually put those feelings aside, throw those emotions away. If you run away, then even the little bit of good times will also be lost. In a very real sense, we husband have to be continually reaffirming, loving and kind.

True love is not about "what do I GET out of it", but rather, " what can I give...."

Being a Loving Husband, Dieing to Self

Sometimes your body may be all charged up sexually, and you gently and sweetly come to your wife to ask for sex, and she says “no”, sometimes again and again. Then by the time she says, “OK”, your body is all drained and the sexual feelings are all gone. Inside you may want to scream and yell. You are so frustrated. There are times when this happens over and over again. Yet you must keep putting your self to death over and over again. Even though anger keeps knocking at the door, keep laying it aside. And yet, more than that, you are called to think lovingly of your wife, to treat her kindly and lovingly, no matter how many times she says no, no matter how frustrated you become. You must immediately throw that frustration away. If you lash out at her, then whatever loving feelings she has for you will be smothered. Her love for you will wither and she will withdraw even more.

You also know that even though she does say no a lot, she also says yes a lot. She is very loving in between all the crabby times. You also know that you must, and you will, and you do maintain a sweet loving attitude with her at all times, even when she is crabby.  You know that when you are sweet to her every time that she is crabby that her crabbiness diminishes with your sweetness. It doesn't last and it isn't very intense. You also know that if you were to lash out in anger each time she is crabby, that there would be an explosion. Then your wife would be angier more often.

You also know that when you keep calm, no matter how crabby she gets, her crabbiness will not last nearly as long as if you get crabby back at her. The steadfast calm attitude of a husband greatly modifies and calms down the attitude of the wife.

A woman is a very delicate and wonderful thing. During most times she is very loving and sweet, even though she may not want sex whenever you might want it.

Overall, being a husband is not about her attitude or you thinking that you desparately want sex. No, being a husband is about you setting the example for the household, being kind and supportive in all situations, even when you don't get what you want or what you need. The more you actively support her, love her, and keep a good attitude in all situations, the more you build the love between you and your wife.

There are countless everyday reasons to “justify” being angry at her because she is neglecting or putting aside your needs to be sexual with her. Instead of being sexual with you or fixing your meals on time, or at all, she chats on Facebook for hours, she calls her friends on the phone, she takes meals to the sick, she takes care of the children. You feel like she is putting you last, when she has finished everything else that she thinks she needs to do, then, if she has any energy left, she may …... let you …..

Forcing yourself on her when you.... want sex will, in the long run, only separate you from your wife. You will get less of what you want. Your wife will close up towards you.

Being a loving husband is a tough job, putting to death your own desires, over and over againg daily, moment by moment, for the good of your wife, for the good of your children, and for the benefit of your marriage. It is only in dieing to self (of wanting to be sexually fulfilled whenever you want it) that your marriage and your connect with your wife will blossom and grow.

Another strong temptation is to be very sad over the situation, that is, playing the part of the victim. A husband being sad makes him feel justified, that he is the victim in the situation and in life. This is another destructive force. It emotionally separates the husband from his wife.

In contrast, we are called to by joyful in all situations. Joy is not an emotion that is affected by circumstances. Rather, joy is a decision to rise above the circumstances and to have a good attitude in all..... Joy is not necessarily smiley, cheerful and giggly. One can be in deep sorrow and still be joyful.

Some ways to deal with Unfulfilled Sexual Energy

Take charge of your self-centered inner child, the one who wants to be sexually satisfied NOW.

  • Change your thinking. The more you think about sexual items, the more sexually charged up you become. It also works in reverse. To reduce sexual urges stop thinking about sex and think about other things. Yes, it is hard, but do it anyway.
  • For instance, take up a book and start reading (about non-sexual topics).
  • If you have a business, do some bookkeeping or writing, planning about business topics.
  • Do something that really takes a strong mental focus. This will discharge and drain the sexual energy.
  • Read a book about some (non sexual) topic your are passionately interested in. Keep your mind focused on the what you are reading.
  • Do vigorous exercise. Go for a long walk, or job, or ride your bike, play basketball, go for a swim.
  • And, if you say, not of that works for you, love your wife and be kind to her anyway. Put away the excuses for treating her badly when she says no.


You might think that a good relationship with your wife is not worth all the frustration. No, I said you must throw away the frustration. It takes a lot of self examination and dieing to self over and over again. These are lessons that you must learn if you want to be happily married.You can either learn these lesson in your first marriage, your second marriage, your third marriage, etc. Some men never learn this. It's better to start now with your current wife...... Being happily married is not a matter of you, the husband, getting everything you wanted on a silver platter. Rather it is a path of learning to die to your own self interests and learn to be a servant to your wife and children. When you get married life is no longer about you, but rather it's about doing whatever is necessary for the health of your relationships with your wife and your children.

It is both a very painful and a very rewarding path. It is a path of learning to grow up and mature, to live a life for others. When you get married it is a strong call for you to stop being a child (evidenced by your angry attitudes) and to grow up and be a man of character, kindness, inner strength, and compassion. It is time to love and treat your wife kindly at all times and through all situations. 

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